I got it and i feel it right now as I am typing….
Actually you are saving me from what my mouth wants to shout out!
I think I am experiencing mania – (I am processing the bad choices my teenager has made in the past 24 hours, and like a terrible song on autoplay – my touch screen is frozen and I can not stop the song unless I POWER OFF!) – wow great analogy – so thank you laptop for being my POWER OFF..”swiping” now…..I haven’t always been manic…have I? I am sure I have, but it is coming to light as I am realizing my behavior, my actions, my words etc ARE IMPACTING THE DEVELOPMENT OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. Do I even have the discipline to change? DO I even want to? Do I care enough about others to want to change? Is leaving my family a happier solution? and not because I am not happy at home, but because I have moments like this when my “touch screen is frozen and I just want to call my service provider to get an upgrade because my current one SUCKS!”
Is it fair for my family to witness my behavior in this current state – Do you think I want my kids to think my manic behavior means LOVE? Do you think I want them to think “a shot” of water from the freezer before leaving the house is what all mom’s do? AND from their MOM who preaches good manners, treating others as you’d like to be treated and promises to always love.
What does my LOVE look and feel like to them?
I was diagnosed as bi-polar a couple of years ago, have I taken the diagnoses seriously? Honestly, No. Why? I’ll tell you why….because of the lifestyle my husband and I fell involve with at a very age, and ASSUMED raising children in our “adventurous world” WOULD be the best education parents could provide. What we failed to recognize at an early part of parenting was the “emotional rollercoaster” each family member would develop, sure we check in with our kids well-being, but I am realizing our kids want ONLY one thing from us, OUR APPROVAL. They do not want to disappoint us. I can’t even begin to truly feel what their perception is of making friends. I know what it feels like to have friends since grade school, played with everyday till college and can now reminisce, visit, call and laugh hysterically about a memory from my youth. Our kids will never have that. We decided that exposure to the world, is more important and opening oneself to friends from all over the world is more valuable.
But with that SUPER DUPER Idea – we’ve IGNORED “that part”. You know “the part” I am talking about right? (nope don’t remember because it’s the bad part) “A bandaid” makes everything better!”
Until you realize that “band-aid” does come off. My bandaid was medication. It has been our “band-aid family cycle” for almost 20 years!
Ready: One year notice we are traveling to a “fabulous” destination – 6 months prior begin letting go of your material things because you will be able to replace them at OUR NEW PARADISE – 3 months prior – movers arrive and pack all your belongings (be strong you’ll see them again someday) – 2 weeks prior, your “home” is empty and time to live in a hotel (up to 6 months – Do you have time to grieve, reminisce, not really LETS IGNORE EVERYONE’S FEELINGS AND KEEP MY EYE ON THE PRIZE.
Sure maybe for me right, because my thinking brain is a little off anyways and I have a magical power to live in a false reality when it behooves me. It has become a very valuable tool I keep in my “handy-dandy” emotional toolbox.
The Reality: One year notice, a wall of resentment starts “putting a crew together to lay down foundation”…. I can feel the irritability building, my lashing out becomes more frequent and I slowly become a recluse. 6 months prior, that “foundation is starting to build a wall, to protect me from any feelings I might feel because I have to BE POSITIVE – MAKE APPOINTMENT WITH therapist. Meet with MD, break down like a “10 year old who just lost their puppy” and question WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? Answer: “Moving is very stressful, take these for feeling depressed, take these for the anxiety, take this only on an AS NEEDED, and take these before bed.” YEAH! I’ll be CURED IN 2 weeks when all meds have kicked in!
Thank you for great doctors and superb medications that have carried me along this far. You helped me see the light when my world truly was dark. The drugs made a difference, I was able to let go of resentment, I stopped being mad at my family for caring about me and I became “myself again” – you know the girl, wife, mom, neighbor, volunteer that everyone loves! THE END.
(and you can replay that cycle every 2-3 years)
Happy Hawaii – upon arrival, living in a hotel, meds aren’t working, BUT I MUST be a responsible parent and bury that void. I convince myself that “physically moving by memory” is the solutions – as long as I have a SCHEDULE! “Schedule is KEY for raising children, helps them feel secure”. (right?)
MY PERFECT SCHEDULE
6am – wake up, make 3 people breakfast (try not to talk, your tone sucks!, smile, ignore, breathe)
7am – walk to bus stop (smile, hold hands, try not to talk, your tone sucks!)
7:15am – stop by free breakfast to make a to-go plate
7:45am – return to room, close all blinds, get in bed and SET ALARM
1:30pm – start getting dressed – full makeup and cute outfit and practice smiling selfies – DELETE PIXS YOU LOOK DISGUSTING!
2pm – walk to bus stop (go BACK WAY – Urrrgggg AVOID meeting new people!)
2:15pm – SMILE, hug and kiss your darlings..(don’t make eye contact – fk THESE PPL)
2:30pm – help with homework (if unable make a note for dad to help – I have NO PATIENCE FOR THIS – text dad a note, try not to talk your tone sucks and a fight will start)
3:30pm – start making dinner (I hate this shit! I am NOT EVEN HUNGRY! urrgg MUST BE GOOD MOM!)
4pm – kids play outside, dinner done and placed in Tupperware for eating later (WIN!)
4:15pm – close all blinds, get in bed and SET ALARM for 6am. (another day I survived!)
My favorite analogy that would get me through those times was “holding my breath!” My mantra was, “hold your breathe, it’s getting deep…. wait…wait….come up for air!”YOU SURVIVED!
After 6 months of my “fabulous perfect wife/perfect life” routine, I experienced an emotion like NO OTHER!
I remember the day – SO VIVIDLY, I woke up, no alarm, I opened the blinds, the dark cloud had gone! Kids and I skipped to the bus stop, on my way back, I introduced myself to everyone I had been “to busy” to meet before. Finally called my mom – had the best chat! Caught up on emails, texts, social media. After all we had just landed in paradise and family knows by now, “it takes “us” 6-8 months” to get into our groove…”BAM! We’re (I’m) back!” I’m kicking arse! I’m the best version of me and FINALLY the meds are helping again! Best TWO weeks of the BEST VERSION OF ME!
If you can imagine waking up everyday for 14 days, double blinking first thing in the morning EXCITED about your day – ABSOLUTE EUPHORIA!
Then that morning, I woke up, literally couldn’t stop blinking and the feeling was GONE!Seriously, NO! Where was it? FIND IT! GET IT BACK! Then going to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror saying, “try not to talk YOUR TONE SUCKS!”
(You wanna talk about falling into the deepest darkest hole, yep that’s where I was AGAIN)
“WELCOME MY PERFECT SCHEDULE”
I knew it was time to find professional help. Almost a year now of this cycle and I haven’t once considered the emotional damage it was having on my family, I truly had no emotions to care for anyone else. They were clean, fed, and on time to school my job was done!
I found a therapist specializing in depression, mapped my journey into downtown and prayed for a cure. At my appointment, (because I am an exceptional actress:) I skimmed through some “feelings I go through every time we move” but my true question was, “Can I double my med dosage, because..” and after sharing my BEST 2 WEEKS EVER! She sat back, nodded and said, “have you ever been diagnosed as being bipolar, because you are.”
Yeah a DIAGNOSIS and a new BAND-AID – I’m CURED – prescription PLEASE! (and you know the drill…:) band-aid wore off.
That’s when I realized no more pills, therapy was “okay” but I did needed a plan for myself/my emotions especially now that I was becoming more aware of my emotional rollercoaster and the route it would take. Forgiving myself is an everyday goal. Realizing if I wanted to truly be that “version of me you meet and love in public” the “private” me has to QUIT HIDING! As recommended better eating and sleeping habits, yoga, meditation, fitness, surrounding yourself in uplifting environments and understanding not everyday will be THE BEST DAY!!!! But become aware “MY BEST DAY EVER” does creep up and managing it has become a major accomplishment!
Trying recreational marijuana in the past, “to chill me out” never worked – I hate the “stooooonnneeddd” feeling. Not a part I play very well. Then I met my first “bud tender” on a holiday in the Northwest. I was in disbelief, “you’re telling me, MARIJUANA is used for my symptoms?”
I am a living testimony that medical marijuana is making a difference in my life. There are specialized strains created, tested and continue to improve to help people like me. Who am I? I am just like you. I promise. I am the friendliest, most approachable girl you’ll ever meet and did I mention modest…smiling. I am the wife that supports her husband proudly, I am the proud mother doting over her children. I am the lady that smokes “weed”. I am your 2017 MotaMamma.